Q: What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: A teacher says "no chewing" and a train says "choo-choo"!
Q: What do you call a lion tamer who sticks his right arm down a lion's
throat?
A: Lefty!
Q: What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?
A: You get repossessed!
Q: What kind of quiz do you give to a criminal?
A: A con test!
Q: Why aren't elephants allowed on beaches?
A: They can't keep their trunks up!
Q: What do you get when you cross a baseball player with a boy scout?
A: Someone who likes to pitch tents!
Q: How do you cut through waves?
A: With a sea-saw!
Q: What has teeth but can't chew?
A: A zipper!
Q: If a man smashed a clock, could he be accused of killing time?
A: Not if the clock struck first!
Q: What flowers do you wear all year long?
A: Tulips (two-lips)!
Q: What do cows give after an earthquake?
A: Milk shakes!
Q: When is a cowboy most like a pony?
A: When he is a little hoarse!
Q: Why do cowboys ride horses?
A: Because the horses are too heavy to carry!
Q: How many sides does a house have?
A: Two! The inside and the outside!
Q: Why did the man sleep under the oil tank?
A: So he would wake up oily in the morning!
Q: A giant had three tongues! How did he remove two of them?
A: He took off his shoes!
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he didn't have any guts!
Q: What's the difference between a Timex dealer and a prison gaurd?
A: One sells watches, one watches cells!
Q: Why does Dracula consider himself an artist?
A: He likes to draw blood!
Q: What game do ghost children like to play?
A: Peek-a-BOO!
Q: What do you call a short, sun-burned outlaw riding a horse?
A: Little Red Riding Hood!
Q: Why are men better with a beard than without?
A: FUR lots of reasons!
Q: What was the octopus couple's favorite song?
A: I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, (ad nauseum)
Q: Why are potatoes considered stupid?
A: At parties they always hang around with the dips!
Q: Where did the brontosaurus go for the summer months?
A: To the dino-shore!
Q: Why is a room full of married people really empty?
A: There isn't a single person in it!
Q: Why didn't the grizzly wear any shoes?
A: Because he wanted bear feet!
Q: What did one knife say to the other?
A: "My, YOU'RE looking sharp today!"
Q: What would happen if an ice cream cone picked a fight with Jesse
James?
A: The ice cream cone would get licked!
Q: Why did the cowboy put a whistle in his ten-gallon hat?
A: So he could blow his top!
Q: What do you call Jesse James When he has the flu?
A: A sick shooter!
Q: What do you get if you cross a monster and an owl?
A: An animal that scares people and doesn't give a hoot!
Q: If 1 is love and 2 is hate, what are 3 and 4?
A: Seven!
Q: When do you use a shovel to eat?
A: When you really dig in!
Q: What's the best way to see flying saucers?
A: Trip the waiter!
Q: What do you get if you cross a vampire with an Egyptian mummy?
A: A flying Band-Aid!
Q: Who was the biggest monarch in history?
A: King Kong!
Q: Why didn't the skeleton ask his girlfriend to the dance?
A: He didn't have any guts!
Q: What did one arithmetic book say to the other?
A: "I have a lot of problems!"
Q: Do rabbits use combs?
A: No, they use harebrushes!
Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: "I'll meet you at the corner!"
Q: What is a kangroo's favorite year?
A: Leap year!
Q: What's a good name for a straigh-back camel?
A: Humphrey! *Get it?*
Q: If a King sits on gold, who sits on silver?
A: The Lone Ranger!
Q: Why did the outlaw carry a bottle of glue when he robbed the
stagecoach?
A: So he could stick up the passengers!
Q: What does a train do when an outlaw chases it?
A: It makes tracks!
Q: Why did the cowboy brush his teeth with gunpowder?
A: So he could shoot off his mouth!
Q: What kind of figures do the most walking?
A: Roamin' numerals!
Q: What is the difference between the North and South Pole?
A: All the difference in the world!
Q: Guess who I saw today?
A: Everybody I looked at!
Q: Why is an engaged woman like a telephone?
A: Because they both have rings!
Q: Why was the mummy sent into the game as a pinch hitter?
A: With a mummy at bat, the game would be all wrapped up!
Q: What kind of horses frighten rangers?
A: Night Mares!
Q: Did you know Popeye was a sweet potato?
A: Well, he does say, "I Yam what I Yam"!
Q: Where does the Lone Ranger take his trash?
A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump!
Q: Did you hear about the coach that flooded the gym?
A: He wanted to send in a sub!
Q: Why are birds poor?
A: Because money doesn't grow on trees!
Q: What drives a baseball batter crazy?
A: A pitcher that throws a screwball!
Q: Why is a scrambled egg like a losing ball team?
A: Because both are beaten!
Q: What do you get if you cross a big bell and an outlaw?
A: A Gongster!
Q: What do you call a lazy butcher?
A: A Meat-loafer!
Q: What is the first thing you put into a room?
A: Your feet!
Q: What is a sound sleeper?
A: Someone who snores!
Q: What does a cowboy say to his horse after a 100 mile ride?
A: Whoa!
Q: What part of a cowboy's outfit is the saddest?
A: His blue jeans!
Q: What is a monter's favorite necklace?
A: A choker!
Q: What kind of fur do you get from an outlaw?
A: As fur as you can get!
Q: What is the safest way to talk to an outlaw?
A: By long distance!
Q: What do you call an outlaw with cotton stuffed in his ears?
A: Anything you want! He can't hear you!
Q: Why do postmen carry letters?
A: Because the letters can't go anywhere by themselves!
Q: How do you make friends with a computer?
A: Bit by bit!
Q: Who always goes to bed with shoes on?
A: A horse!
Q: Why is a toupee like a secret?
A: Because you keep it under your hat!
Q: Why are potatoes so afraid of Indians?
A: They don't want to get scalloped!
Q: What kind of music did the cowboy make when he threw a stone in the
Rio Grande?
A: Plunk rock!!!!!
Q: Why did the cowboy saddle up the phonograph record?
A: He wanted to be a disk jockey!
Q: What did the victim say when the outlaw stuffed a dirty piece of
cloth in his mouth?
A: That's an old gag!
Q: What was Billy the Kid's favorite subject in school?
A: Triggernometry!
Q: Who pulled the biggest holdup in history?
A: Atlas--he held up the whole world!
Q: What do you call an outlaw armed with four loaded revolvers?
A: Sir!
Q: What happens when you throw a green rock in the red sea?
A: It gets wet!
Q: Why shouldn't you tell a secret to a pig?
A: Because it is a squealer!
Q: Where do frogs sit?
A: On toadstools!
Q: If a man were born in Greece, raised in Spain, came to America,
and died in San Francisco, what is he?
A: Dead!
Q: Why did the man have to fix his car horn?
A: Because it didn't give a hoot!
Q: Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window?
A: He wanted to see a butter fly.
Q: Why did the nutty kid throw a glass of water out the window?
A: Because he wanted to see a water fall!
Q: What paper makes you itch?
A: Scratch paper!
Q: What can you break without touching it?
A: Your promise!
Q: A man was driving a black truck with the lights out. There was no
moon. A lady was crossing the street. How did he see her?
A: It was daytime!
Q: What animal makes the most of its food?
A: The giraffe. It makes a little go a long way!
Q: What is the weather always like in Mexico?
A: Chili today, hot tamale!
Q: What time is the same spelled backwards or forwards?
A: Noon!
Q: What do you get if you cross an insect and a rabbit?
A: Bugs Bunny!
Q: Why aren't there any stories about beds?
A: They haven't been made up yet!
Q: What did the tree say to the woodpecker?
A: You bore me!
Q: What color was Napoleon's white horse?
A: duh.
Q: When do you put a clock in the oven?
A: When you want to have a hot time!
Q: What ten letter word starts with g-a-s?
A: Automobile!
Q: If you want to get rich, why should you just shut up?
A: Because silence is golden!
Q: What can be drawn without any drawing utensil?
A: Breath!
Q: What goes around a yard but doesn't move?
A: A fence!
Q: What is a calf after it is six months old?
A: Seven months old!
Q: What kind of fruit has a short temper?
A: A crab apple!
Q: What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on
their hands?
A: A pocket watch!
Q: What always comes into the house through the keyhole?
A: A key!
Q: What has four legs and a back but no body?
A: A chair!
Q: What kind of electricity do they have in Washington?
A: D.C.!
Q: What did the man do when he got a big gas bill?
A: He exploded!
Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: On a Sun Day!
Q: How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a
can of tomato soup?
A: Read the label!
Q: What trees come in two's?
A: Pear Trees!
Q: What insect runs away from everything?
A: A Flee!
Q: What does Brazil produce that no other country produces?
A: Brazillians!
Q: What people are like the end of a book?
A: The Finnish!
Q: Who never gets his hair wet in the shower?
A: A bald man!
Q: What did the light say to the girl?
A: Turn me on!
Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: You're too young to smoke!
Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A: To keep their pants up!
Q: Who can marry a lot of wives and still be single?
A: A minister!
Q: Why do we buy clothes?
A: Because we can't get them free!
Q: If six people and two dogs were under an umbrella, why didn't
any of them get wet?
A: Because it wasn't raining!
Q: What piece of wood is like a king?
A: A ruler!
Q: What did the muffler say to the car owner?
A: "Boy, am I exhausted!"
Q: Why did the window pane blush?
A: It saw the weather strip!
Q: Where do crying children go?
A: To the bawl park!
Q: What has fifty heads and fifty tails?
A: Fifty pennies!
Q: When is the vet busiest?
A: When it rains cats and dogs!
Q: What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
A: One knows the stops, the other stops the nose!
Q: What do you call a sick crocodile?
A: An illigator!
Q: If you fell of a ladder, what would you fall against?
A: Against your will!
Q: Why shouldn't you make fun of fat people?
A: Because it's not nice to poke fun at someone's expanse!
Q: If an apple a day keeps the dentist away, what will an onion do?
A: Keep everyone away!
Q: Where do squirrels go when they go insane?
A: To the nut house!
Q: What do you have if your head is hot, your feet are cold, and you
see spots in front of your eyes?
A: You probably have a polka-dotted sock over your head!
Q: When do you have acute pain?
A: When you own a pretty window!
Q: When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?
A: When moses recieved the two tablets!
Q: What happened when the dog swallowed the watch?
A: He got a lot of ticks!
Q: How did the kid get a flat nose?
A: He was told to keep it to the grindstone!
Q: What is the healthiest kind of water?
A: Well water!
Q: What is the perfect cure for dandruff?
A: Baldness!
Q: What did the dentist say to the golfer?
A: You have a hole in one!
Q: What do you get if you put your hand in a pot?
A: A potted palm!
Q: What happened when the icicle landed on the man's head?
A: It knocked him cold!
Q: Where do animals go when they lose their tails?
A: To a retail store!
Q: What did the doctor say to the patient when he finished the
operation?
A: That's enough out of you!
Q: How can you tell if you are cross-eyed?
A: When you see eye-to-eye with yourself!
Q: How can you tell if you are cross-eyed?
A: Try looking in a mirror!
Q: What is the best way to cure acid indigestion?
A: Stop drinking acid!
Q: What did the farmer use to cure his sick hog?
A: Oinkment!
Q: What do you call a person who doesn't have all his fingers on one
hand?
A: Normal. Most people have their fingers spread over two hands!
Q: What happened to the horse that swallowed a dollar bill?
A: He bucked!
Q: How was the blind carpenter able to see?
A: He picked up his hammer and saw!
Q: How can you tell if a bucket is not well?
A: When it is a little pail!
Q: What do you call a sheep that is covered in chocolate?
A: A Hershey baaa!
Q: How do you make an eggroll?
A: Push it!
Q: Why is it dangerous to do math in a cannibal's den?
A: Because if you add 4 and 4, you get ate!
Q: What is a pie in the sky?
A: A flying pizza!
Q: Why did the farmer plant sugar cubes?
A: Because he wanted to raise cane!
Q: Why did the woman eat bullets?
A: Because she wanted her hair to grow in bangs!
Q: Do ministers ever use operator assistance?
A: No. They always go parson to parson!
Q: Why did the orchestra have bad manners?
A: It didn't know how to conduct itself!
Q: What do you call a crazy pickle?
A: A daffy dill!
Q: What do ghosts eat for lunch?
A: Boo-loney sandwiches!
Q: What does the Swamp Thing like for desert?
A: Marsh-mellows!
Q: What kind of eggs does an evil chicken lay?
A: Deviled eggs!
Q: What hired killer never goes to jail?
A: The exterminator!
Q: What is a boxer's favorite drink?
A: Punch!
Q: Which hand should you use to stir tea?
A: Neither. Use a spoon!
Q: What is small, purple, and dangerous?
A: A grape with a machine gun!
Q: What gun does a police dog use?
A: A dogmatic!
Q: Where do tough chickens come from?
A: From hard-boiled eggs!
Q: How do you tell when a bell is obedient?
A: If it only rings when tolled!
Q: What kind of food do brave soldiers eat?
A: Hero sandwiches!
Q: What is stolen candy?
A: Hot chocolate!
Q: What do well behaved young lambs say to their mothers?
A: Thank ewe!
Q: What is the last thing you eat before you die?
A: You bite the dust!
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a Boy Scout?
A: A real big uniform!
Q: What is the grossest kind of cookie?
A: A snicker-doo-doo!
Q: What happens to evil pigs?
A: They become deviled ham!
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To get to Mexico, where they don't celebrate Thanksgiving!
Q: What do mice wear to school on gym day?
A: Squeakers!
Q: Why did the elephant put ketchup in his navel?
A: Cause he wanted eat French Fries lying down!
Q: Why didn't the Mad Scientist allow the sick eagle in his laboratory?
A: Because it was illeagle! *get it?*
Q: Why did the mad scientist put an elastic band around his forehead?
A: So he could stretch his imagination!
Q: How do cowboys watch t.v. when they're out on the range?
A: By saddle lights!
Q: What do you call a cat who eats a lemon?
A: A sourpuss!
Q: Who is bigger: Mr Bigger or his baby?
A: Mr. Bigger's baby is a little Bigger!
Q: How many seconds are in a year?
A: 12 - January 2nd, February 2nd...
Q: How does Santa Claus take care of his yard?
A: With a hoe, hoe, hoe!
Q: What did the envelope say when the boy licked it?
A: Nothing - it shut up!
Q: First you see a red mill. Then there's a walk at the end. Then
there's a key. What is it?
A: Milwaukee!
Q: What is a monster's favorite team?
A: The Giants!
Q: What American has the largest family?
A: George Washington - He's the Father of our Country!
Q: Did you hear about the fight in the Candy Store?
A: Two suckers got licked!
Q: What state in the U.S. is the happiest?
A: Merry Land!
Q: What did the candles say to the birthday cake?
A: These birthdays really burn me up!
Q: Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?
A: Because it ran out of juice!
Q: Why do flies walk on the ceiling?
A: If they walked on the floor, someone might step on them!
Q: What is a foreign ant?
A: ImportAnt!
Q: Why do hippies study the stars?
A: Because they are so far out!
Q: Why did the farmer put rusted out cars in his garden?
A: He wanted to raise a bumper crop!
Q: How can you eat an egg without breaking its shell?
A: Ask someone else to break it!
Q: Why does a baby duck walk softly?
A: Because it is a baby and can't walk, hardly!
Q: What helps keep your teeth together?
A: Toothpaste!
Q: What brings the monster's babies?
A: Frankenstork!
Q: Did you hear the story about the Peacock?
A: It's a beautiful tail!
Q: What bugs are good at math?
A: Mosquitos: they add to misery, subtract from fun, and multiply fast!
Q: Why did the mouse want to move?
A: She was tired of living in a hole in the wall!
Q: How can you tell a cat that likes rain?
A: Because when it rains it purrs!
Q: Why do bees hum?
A: Because they don't know the words!
Q: Who settled in the West before anyone else?
A: The Sun!
Q: What is a distant relative?
A: Someone who is not living with you!
Q: What is the biggest ant?
A: An ELEPHant!
Q: What is smaller than an ant's mouth?
A: An ant's dinner!
Q: How can you spell too much with just two letters?
A: XS!
Q: What is the hottest part of a man's face?
A: His sideburns!
Q: What fish has the lowest voice?
A: A bass!
Q: When was beef at its highest?
A: When the cow jumped over the moon!
Q: What person is always yelling?
A: The I Scream Man!
Q: What kind of theif has to be really strong?
A: A shoplifter!
Q: What kind of house weighs the least?
A: A Lighthouse!
Q: What is the hardest thing about learning to roller skate?
A: The ground!
Q: What coat has the most sleeves?
A: A coat of arms!
Q: What fruit has been known since man invented the calendar?
A: Dates!
Q: What is purple and 5,000 miles long?
A: The Grape Wall of China!
Q: Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue?
A: Because they can't dress themselves!
Q: Where can you always find health, wealth, and happiness?
A: In the dictionary!
Q: Why is the dictionary dangerous?
A: Because it has Dynamite and Arsenic in it!
Q: A man who worked in a butcher shop was 6 feet tall, had red hair,
and wore size 11 shoes. What did he weigh?
A: Meat!
Q: How does a coffee pot feel when it is hot?
A: Perky!
Q: What did the two vampires do from midnight to 12:10?
A: They took a coffin break!
Q: What do people in England call little black cats?
A: Kittens!
Q: Why did the man put his money in the refrigerator?
A: To make some cold cash!
Q: How do you make a Venetian blind?
A: Poke a finger in its eye!
Q: What is a stupid flower?
A: A Blooming Idiot!
Q: Why do lions eat raw meat?
A: Because they don't know how to cook!
Q: Why do lions eat raw meat?
A: Because they can't light their Coleman stove!
Q: Why do lions eat raw meat?
A: Because they have to much trouble fitting it on the shishkebab!
Q: Why do lions eat raw meat?
A: Because the stove is broken!
Q: What can you do with old bowling balls?
A: Give them to elephants to shoot marbles!
Q: Dogs have fleas. What do Sheep have?
A: Fleece!
Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, they had an apple!
Q: What do you call a Volkswagon filled with cookies?
A: Farfignewton!
Q: What is a bulldozer?
A: Someone who sleeps while a polititian is making a speech!
Q: Where do trees keep their money?
A: In branch banks!
Q: If cheese comes on top of hamburger, what comes after cheese?
A: Mice!
Q: If cheese comes on top of hamburger, what comes after cheese?
A: The cheese police!
Q: Where do fish keep their money?
A: In river banks!
Q: Where do Eskimos keep their money?
A: In snowbanks!
Q: Where do hogs keep their money?
A: In piggy banks!
Q: Where do vampires keep their money?
A: In blood banks!
Q: Where do mummies swim?
A: In the Dead Sea!
Q: What is the best way to eat spaghetti?
A: Well, first open your mouth....
Q: What happened when Abel died?
A: He became Unable!
Q: What did the little light bulb say to its mom?
A: I wuv you watts and watts!
Q: Why do wallets make so much noise?
A: Because money talks!
Q: What happens to a refrigerator when you pull the plug?
A: It loses its cool!
Q: How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?
A: A phew!
Q: What does an invisible baby drink?
A: Evaporated milk!
Q: What runs around all day and then lies under the bed with
its tongue hanging out?
A: Your shoe!
Q: What did King Kong say when he saw the Statue of Liberty?
A: "Hi, mom!"
Q: What lottery did the broom win?
A: The sweepstakes!
Q: Why does a chicken lay an egg?
A: Because if she dropped it, it would break!
Q: Why do you always start to walk with the right foot first?
A: Because when you move one foot, the other is always left behind!
Q: When do you swallow your words?
A: When you eat alphabet soup!
Q: What is the difference between a greedy person and an electric
toaster?
A: One takes the most and the other makes the toast!
Q: Is it better to write on a full or an empty stomach?
A: Neither. You'll find that paper works best!
Q: What kind of bird is always around when there is anything to eat
or drink?
A: A swallow?
Q: Why are identical twins like a broken alarm clock?
A: Because they are dead ringers!
Q: Why don't scarecrows have any fun?
A: Because they are stuffed shirts!
Q: How do you make a cigarette lighter?
A: Take out the tobacco!
Q: How do you make notes of stone?
A: Rearrange the letters!
Q: What kind of umbrella did Louis XII carry in the rain?
A: A wet one!
Q: Why does the stork stand on one leg only?
A: If he lifted it, he would fall down!
Q: What is the difference between a banana and a bell?
A: You can only peal a banana once!
Q: What invention allows you to see through walls?
A: A window!
Q: Why can it be said that whales talk a lot?
A: Because they're always spouting off!
Q: What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't?
A: It can look round!
Q: When is a man not a man?
A: When he turns into an alley!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Question and Answer Jokes , PJ question and answers ,
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These are some good ones. I will use them. Thank you.
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