FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT THE PROGRAMMERS AND PROGRAMMING

“I invented it, Bill made it famous.”
David Bradley (wrote the code for Ctrl-Alt-Delete on the IBM PC)

“As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn’t as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs.”
Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949.

“Java is C++ without the guns, knives, and clubs”
James Gosling, co-inventor of Java

“Keyboard not found. Press < F1 > to RESUME. “
Source unknown (appears in many common BIOSes as a real error message)

“There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.”
unknown

“There are only 10 types of people in this world. Those who know ternary, those who don’t and those who confuse it with binary.”
unknown

“A language that doesn’t have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do”
Dennis M. Ritchie

“Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later”
F. Brooks, The Mythical Man-Month.

“Always program as if the person who will be maintaining your program is a violent psychopath that knows where you live.”
Martin Golding

“Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.”
Bruce Brown

“Base eight is just like base ten really, if you’re missing two fingers.”
Tom Lehrer

“Before software can be reusable it first has to be usable.”
Ralph Johnson

“Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.”
Donald Knuth

“bug, n: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of “debugging”, or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.”
“Datamation”, January 15, 1984

“C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success.”
Dennis M. Ritchie

“Coding styles are like assholes, everyone has one and no one likes anyone elses.”
Eric Warmenhoven

“Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.”
Brian W. Kernighan

“Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.”
Dick Brandon

“Don’t get suckered in by the comments— they can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.”
Dave Storer

“He who hasn’t hacked assembly language as a youth has no heart. He who does as an adult has no brain.”
John Moore

“I mean, if 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your shoulders and say to yourself: ‘Dijkstra would not have liked this’, well that would be enough immortality for me.”
Edsger Dijkstra

“If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.”
Edsger Dijkstra

“If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.”
Norm Schryer

“Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.”
Dave Platt

“Memory is like an orgasm. It’s a lot better if you don’t have to fake it.”
Seymore Cray (on virtual memory)

“Once you’re done writing the code, never open it again unless you want to see how uncomprehensible and utterly ridiculous it really is.”
Raphael Sazonov

“Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.”
Isaac Asimov

“Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.”
Michael Sinz

“Software Engineering is that part of Computer Science which is too difficult for the Computer Scientist.”
F. L. Bauer

“The evolution of languages: FORTRAN is a non-typed language. C is a weakly typed language. Ada is a strongly typed language. C++ is a strongly hyped language.”
Ron Sercely

“The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.”
Robert R. Coveyou, Oak Ridge National Laboratory

“The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents.”
Nathaniel Borenstein

“The ultimate metric that I would like to propose for user friendliness is quite simple: if this system was a person, how long would it take before you punched it in the nose?”
Tom Carey

“The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should therefore be regarded as a criminal offense”
Edsger Dijkstra

“Writing in C or C++ is like running a chain saw with all the safety guards removed.”
Bob Gray

SEO jokes , HTML Jokes , Funny SEO Jokes

What do you call a game where touching the person makes them NOT it? Alt tag.

What did the SEO do on his honeymoon? A: He put a “nofollow” outside the door.

What do you call a dating service that only collects a fee when two people hit it off? Pay per click.

A SEO couple had twins. For the first time they were happy with duplicate content.

Old SEOs never die, they just lose their rankings

What do you call it when the prey hunts the hunter? A trackback.

Q: Why was the font tag an orphan?
A: Because it didn’t have a font-family.

Q: Why do CSS designers have too many children?
A: Because they employ lots of child selectors.

Q: Why was the XHTML bird an invalid?
A: Because it wasn’t nested properly.

Q: Why was the decapitated web page invalid?
A: Because it didn’t have a head.

Monday morning humour , Morning jokes , Monday Humour

1. To Smell Flowers
A sailor, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man
placing a bowl of
Rice on a nearby grave.
The sailor walked up to the man and asked,
"When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?"
The old Chinese man replied with a smile,
"Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2. How Do You Spell Relief ?
A man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a
collect telegram which
Read:
"I am perfectly well."
A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel...collect...on which he had
to pay considerable
charges
Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:
"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
3. The Letter of Reference:
"To Whom It May Concern:
"Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity, in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible."
Delivered a short time later:
"That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the letter
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only every other line."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
4. Bonus Joke:
Doctor to patient:
"There are two divergent opinions on how best to treat you.
I'm convinced you need a triple by-pass.
Your HMO says all you need to do is rub this $14 tube of salve on your chest
"

During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn't work
under zero gravity
Conditions.
To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen
for use in space.
The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink
inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and
virtually any surface known to man.
The Russians used a pencil.
Inner Peace.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all
could use more
calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally
found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the
things you have started.
So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't finished;
and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of
Merlot, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest
of the Cheesecake, some Saltines, and a box of Godiva Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
Ah! So True:
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at
all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to
become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class re-unions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.
It could be a right
number.
13. Think about this ... No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team
is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like
it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size
bucket
I just love the following .....
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD
LADIES running
Around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in
a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are
probably dead.
Ain't it the truth!!

Question and Answer Jokes , PJ question and answers ,

Q:  What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A:  A teacher says "no chewing" and a train says "choo-choo"!

Q:  What do you call a lion tamer who sticks his right arm down a lion's
    throat?
A:  Lefty!

Q:  What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?
A:  You get repossessed!

Q:  What kind of quiz do you give to a criminal?
A:  A con test!

Q:  Why aren't elephants allowed on beaches?
A:  They can't keep their trunks up!

Q:  What do you get when you cross a baseball player with a boy scout?
A:  Someone who likes to pitch tents!

Q:  How do you cut through waves?
A:  With a sea-saw!

Q:  What has teeth but can't chew?
A:  A zipper!

Q:  If a man smashed a clock, could he be accused of killing time?
A:  Not if the clock struck first!

Q:  What flowers do you wear all year long?
A:  Tulips (two-lips)!

Q:  What do cows give after an earthquake?
A:  Milk shakes!

Q:  When is a cowboy most like a pony?
A:  When he is a little hoarse!

Q:  Why do cowboys ride horses?
A:  Because the horses are too heavy to carry!

Q:  How many sides does a house have?
A:  Two!  The inside and the outside!

Q:  Why did the man sleep under the oil tank?
A:  So he would wake up oily in the morning!

Q:  A giant had three tongues!  How did he remove two of them?
A:  He took off his shoes!

Q:  Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A:  Because he didn't have any guts!

Q:  What's the difference between a Timex dealer and a prison gaurd?
A:  One sells watches, one watches cells!

Q:  Why does Dracula consider himself an artist?
A:  He likes to draw blood!

Q:  What game do ghost children like to play?
A:  Peek-a-BOO!

Q:  What do you call a short, sun-burned outlaw riding a horse?
A:  Little Red Riding Hood!

Q:  Why are men better with a beard than without?
A:  FUR lots of reasons!

Q:  What was the octopus couple's favorite song?
A: I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, (ad nauseum)

Q:  Why are potatoes considered stupid?
A:  At parties they always hang around with the dips!

Q:  Where did the brontosaurus go for the summer months?
A:  To the dino-shore!

Q:  Why is a room full of married people really empty?
A:  There isn't a single person in it!

Q:  Why didn't the grizzly wear any shoes?
A:  Because he wanted bear feet!

Q:  What did one knife say to the other?
A:  "My, YOU'RE looking sharp today!"

Q:  What would happen if an ice cream cone picked a fight with Jesse
    James?
A:  The ice cream cone would get licked!

Q:  Why did the cowboy put a whistle in his ten-gallon hat?
A:  So he could blow his top!

Q:  What do you call Jesse James When he has the flu?
A:  A sick shooter!

Q:  What do you get if you cross a monster and an owl?
A:  An animal that scares people and doesn't give a hoot!

Q:  If 1 is love and 2 is hate, what are 3 and 4?
A:  Seven!

Q:  When do you use a shovel to eat?
A:  When you really dig in!

Q:  What's the best way to see flying saucers?
A:  Trip the waiter!

Q:  What do you get if you cross a vampire with an Egyptian mummy?
A:  A flying Band-Aid!

Q:  Who was the biggest monarch in history?
A:  King Kong!

Q:  Why didn't the skeleton ask his girlfriend to the dance?
A:  He didn't have any guts!

Q:  What did one arithmetic book say to the other?
A:  "I have a lot of problems!"

Q:  Do rabbits use combs?
A:  No, they use harebrushes!

Q:  What did one wall say to the other wall?
A:  "I'll meet you at the corner!"

Q:  What is a kangroo's favorite year?
A:  Leap year!

Q:  What's a good name for a straigh-back camel?
A:  Humphrey!  *Get it?*

Q:  If a King sits on gold, who sits on silver?
A:  The Lone Ranger!

Q:  Why did the outlaw carry a bottle of glue when he robbed the
    stagecoach?
A:  So he could stick up the passengers!

Q:  What does a train do when an outlaw chases it?
A:  It makes tracks!

Q:  Why did the cowboy brush his teeth with gunpowder?
A:  So he could shoot off his mouth!

Q:  What kind of figures do the most walking?
A: Roamin' numerals!

Q: What is the difference between the North and South Pole?
A: All the difference in the world!

Q: Guess who I saw today?
A: Everybody I looked at!

Q: Why is an engaged woman like a telephone?
A: Because they both have rings!

Q: Why was the mummy sent into the game as a pinch hitter?
A: With a mummy at bat, the game would be all wrapped up!

Q: What kind of horses frighten rangers?
A: Night Mares!

Q: Did you know Popeye was a sweet potato?
A: Well, he does say, "I Yam what I Yam"!

Q: Where does the Lone Ranger take his trash?
A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump!

Q: Did you hear about the coach that flooded the gym?
A: He wanted to send in a sub!

Q: Why are birds poor?
A: Because money doesn't grow on trees!

Q: What drives a baseball batter crazy?
A: A pitcher that throws a screwball!

Q: Why is a scrambled egg like a losing ball team?
A: Because both are beaten!

Q: What do you get if you cross a big bell and an outlaw?
A: A Gongster!

Q: What do you call a lazy butcher?
A: A Meat-loafer!

Q: What is the first thing you put into a room?
A: Your feet!

Q: What is a sound sleeper?
A: Someone who snores!

Q: What does a cowboy say to his horse after a 100 mile ride?
A: Whoa!

Q: What part of a cowboy's outfit is the saddest?
A: His blue jeans!

Q: What is a monter's favorite necklace?
A: A choker!

Q: What kind of fur do you get from an outlaw?
A: As fur as you can get!

Q: What is the safest way to talk to an outlaw?
A: By long distance!

Q: What do you call an outlaw with cotton stuffed in his ears?
A: Anything you want!  He can't hear you!

Q: Why do postmen carry letters?
A: Because the letters can't go anywhere by themselves!

Q: How do you make friends with a computer?
A: Bit by bit!

Q: Who always goes to bed with shoes on?
A: A horse!

Q: Why is a toupee like a secret?
A: Because you keep it under your hat!

Q: Why are potatoes so afraid of Indians?
A: They don't want to get scalloped!

Q: What kind of music did the cowboy make when he threw a stone in the
   Rio Grande?
A: Plunk rock!!!!!

Q: Why did the cowboy saddle up the phonograph record?
A: He wanted to be a disk jockey!

Q: What did the victim say when the outlaw stuffed a dirty piece of
   cloth in his mouth?
A: That's an old gag!

Q: What was Billy the Kid's favorite subject in school?
A: Triggernometry!

Q: Who pulled the biggest holdup in history?
A: Atlas--he held up the whole world!

Q: What do you call an outlaw armed with four loaded revolvers?
A: Sir!

Q:  What happens when you throw a green rock in the red sea?
A:  It gets wet!

Q:  Why shouldn't you tell a secret to a pig?
A:  Because it is a squealer!

Q:  Where do frogs sit?
A:  On toadstools!

Q:  If a man were born in Greece, raised in Spain, came to America,
    and died in San Francisco, what is he?
A:  Dead!

Q:  Why did the man have to fix his car horn?
A:  Because it didn't give a hoot!

Q:  Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window?
A:  He wanted to see a butter fly.

Q:  Why did the nutty kid throw a glass of water out the window?
A:  Because he wanted to see a water fall!

Q:  What paper makes you itch?
A:  Scratch paper!

Q:  What can you break without touching it?
A:  Your promise!

Q:  A man was driving a black truck with the lights out.  There was no
    moon.  A lady was crossing the street.  How did he see her?
A:  It was daytime!

Q:  What animal makes the most of its food?
A:  The giraffe.  It makes a little go a long way!

Q:  What is the weather always like in Mexico?
A:  Chili today, hot tamale!

Q:  What time is the same spelled backwards or forwards?
A:  Noon!

Q:  What do you get if you cross an insect and a rabbit?
A:  Bugs Bunny!

Q:  Why aren't there any stories about beds?
A:  They haven't been made up yet!

Q:  What did the tree say to the woodpecker?
A:  You bore me!

Q:  What color was Napoleon's white horse?
A:  duh.

Q:  When do you put a clock in the oven?
A:  When you want to have a hot time!

Q:  What ten letter word starts with g-a-s?
A:  Automobile!

Q:  If you want to get rich, why should you just shut up?
A:  Because silence is golden!

Q:  What can be drawn without any drawing utensil?
A:  Breath!

Q:  What goes around a yard but doesn't move?
A:  A fence!

Q:  What is a calf after it is six months old?
A:  Seven months old!

Q:  What kind of fruit has a short temper?
A:  A crab apple!

Q:  What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on
    their hands?
A:  A pocket watch!

Q:  What always comes into the house through the keyhole?
A:  A key!

Q:  What has four legs and a back but no body?
A:  A chair!

Q:  What kind of electricity do they have in Washington?
A:  D.C.!

Q:  What did the man do when he got a big gas bill?
A:  He exploded!

Q:  What is the best day to go to the beach?
A:  On a Sun Day!

Q:  How can you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a
    can of tomato soup?
A:  Read the label!

Q:  What trees come in two's?
A:  Pear Trees!

Q:  What insect runs away from everything?
A:  A Flee!

Q:  What does Brazil produce that no other country produces?
A:  Brazillians!

Q:  What people are like the end of a book?
A:  The Finnish!

Q:  Who never gets his hair wet in the shower?
A:  A bald man!

Q:  What did the light say to the girl?
A:  Turn me on!

Q:  What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A:  You're too young to smoke!

Q:  Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A:  To keep their pants up!

Q:  Who can marry a lot of wives and still be single?
A:  A minister!

Q:  Why do we buy clothes?
A:  Because we can't get them free!

Q:  If six people and two dogs were under an umbrella, why didn't
    any of them get wet?
A:  Because it wasn't raining!

Q:  What piece of wood is like a king?
A:  A ruler!

Q:  What did the muffler say to the car owner?
A:  "Boy, am I exhausted!"

Q:  Why did the window pane blush?
A:  It saw the weather strip!

Q:  Where do crying children go?
A:  To the bawl park!

Q:  What has fifty heads and fifty tails?
A:  Fifty pennies!

Q:  When is the vet busiest?
A:  When it rains cats and dogs!

Q:  What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
A:  One knows the stops, the other stops the nose!

Q:  What do you call a sick crocodile?
A:  An illigator!

Q:  If you fell of a ladder, what would you fall against?
A:  Against your will!

Q:  Why shouldn't you make fun of fat people?
A:  Because it's not nice to poke fun at someone's expanse!

Q:  If an apple a day keeps the dentist away, what will an onion do?
A:  Keep everyone away!

Q:  Where do squirrels go when they go insane?
A:  To the nut house!

Q:  What do you have if your head is hot, your feet are cold, and you
    see spots in front of your eyes?
A:  You probably have a polka-dotted sock over your head!

Q:  When do you have acute pain?
A:  When you own a pretty window!

Q:  When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible?
A:  When moses recieved the two tablets!

Q:  What happened when the dog swallowed the watch?
A:  He got a lot of ticks!

Q:  How did the kid get a flat nose?
A:  He was told to keep it to the grindstone!

Q:  What is the healthiest kind of water?
A:  Well water!

Q:  What is the perfect cure for dandruff?
A:  Baldness!

Q:  What did the dentist say to the golfer?
A:  You have a hole in one!

Q:  What do you get if you put your hand in a pot?
A:  A potted palm!

Q:  What happened when the icicle landed on the man's head?
A:  It knocked him cold!

Q:  Where do animals go when they lose their tails?
A:  To a retail store!

Q:  What did the doctor say to the patient when he finished the
    operation?
A:  That's enough out of you!

Q:  How can you tell if you are cross-eyed?
A:  When you see eye-to-eye with yourself!

Q:  How can you tell if you are cross-eyed?
A:  Try looking in a mirror!

Q:  What is the best way to cure acid indigestion?
A:  Stop drinking acid!

Q:  What did the farmer use to cure his sick hog?
A:  Oinkment!

Q:  What do you call a person who doesn't have all his fingers on one
    hand?
A:  Normal.  Most people have their fingers spread over two hands!

Q:  What happened to the horse that swallowed a dollar bill?
A:  He bucked!

Q:  How was the blind carpenter able to see?
A:  He picked up his hammer and saw!

Q:  How can you tell if a bucket is not well?
A:  When it is a little pail!

Q:  What do you call a sheep that is covered in chocolate?
A:  A Hershey baaa!

Q:  How do you make an eggroll?
A:  Push it!

Q:  Why is it dangerous to do math in a cannibal's den?
A:  Because if you add 4 and 4, you get ate!

Q:  What is a pie in the sky?
A:  A flying pizza!

Q:  Why did the farmer plant sugar cubes?
A:  Because he wanted to raise cane!

Q:  Why did the woman eat bullets?
A:  Because she wanted her hair to grow in bangs!

Q:  Do ministers ever use operator assistance?
A:  No.  They always go parson to parson!

Q:  Why did the orchestra have bad manners?
A:  It didn't know how to conduct itself!

Q:  What do you call a crazy pickle?
A:  A daffy dill!

Q:  What do ghosts eat for lunch?
A:  Boo-loney sandwiches!

Q:  What does the Swamp Thing like for desert?
A:  Marsh-mellows!

Q:  What kind of eggs does an evil chicken lay?
A:  Deviled eggs!

Q:  What hired killer never goes to jail?
A:  The exterminator!

Q:  What is a boxer's favorite drink?
A:  Punch!

Q:  Which hand should you use to stir tea?
A:  Neither.  Use a spoon!

Q:  What is small, purple, and dangerous?
A:  A grape with a machine gun!

Q:  What gun does a police dog use?
A:  A dogmatic!

Q:  Where do tough chickens come from?
A:  From hard-boiled eggs!

Q:  How do you tell when a bell is obedient?
A:  If it only rings when tolled!

Q:  What kind of food do brave soldiers eat?
A:  Hero sandwiches!

Q:  What is stolen candy?
A:  Hot chocolate!

Q:  What do well behaved young lambs say to their mothers?
A:  Thank ewe!

Q:  What is the last thing you eat before you die?
A:  You bite the dust!

Q:  What do you get if you cross an elephant with a Boy Scout?
A:  A real big uniform!

Q:  What is the grossest kind of cookie?
A:  A snicker-doo-doo!

Q:  What happens to evil pigs?
A:  They become deviled ham!

Q:  Why did the turkey cross the road?
A:  To get to Mexico, where they don't celebrate Thanksgiving!

Q:  What do mice wear to school on gym day?
A:  Squeakers!

Q:  Why did the elephant put ketchup in his navel?
A:  Cause he wanted eat French Fries lying down!

Q:  Why didn't the Mad Scientist allow the sick eagle in his laboratory?
A:  Because it was illeagle! *get it?*

Q:  Why did the mad scientist put an elastic band around his forehead?
A:  So he could stretch his imagination!

Q:  How do cowboys watch t.v. when they're out on the range?
A:  By saddle lights!

Q:  What do you call a cat who eats a lemon?
A:  A sourpuss!

Q:  Who is bigger:  Mr Bigger or his baby?
A:  Mr. Bigger's baby is a little Bigger!

Q:  How many seconds are in a year?
A:  12 - January 2nd, February 2nd...

Q:  How does Santa Claus take care of his yard?
A:  With a hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q:  What did the envelope say when the boy licked it?
A:  Nothing - it shut up!

Q:  First you see a red mill.  Then there's a walk at the end.   Then
    there's a key.  What is it?
A:  Milwaukee!

Q:  What is a monster's favorite team?
A:  The Giants!

Q:  What American has the largest family?
A:  George Washington - He's the Father of our Country!

Q:  Did you hear about the fight in the Candy Store?
A:  Two suckers got licked!

Q:  What state in the U.S. is the happiest?
A:  Merry Land!

Q:  What did the candles say to the birthday cake?
A:  These birthdays really burn me up!

Q:  Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?
A:  Because it ran out of juice!

Q:  Why do flies walk on the ceiling?
A:  If they walked on the floor, someone might step on them!

Q:  What is a foreign ant?
A:  ImportAnt!

Q:  Why do hippies study the stars?
A:  Because they are so far out!

Q:  Why did the farmer put rusted out cars in his garden?
A:  He wanted to raise a bumper crop!

Q:  How can you eat an egg without breaking its shell?
A:  Ask someone else to break it!

Q:  Why does a baby duck walk softly?
A:  Because it is a baby and can't walk, hardly!

Q:  What helps keep your teeth together?
A:  Toothpaste!

Q:  What brings the monster's babies?
A:  Frankenstork!

Q:  Did you hear the story about the Peacock?
A:  It's a beautiful tail!

Q:  What bugs are good at math?
A:  Mosquitos: they add to misery, subtract from fun, and multiply fast!

Q:  Why did the mouse want to move?
A:  She was tired of living in a hole in the wall!

Q:  How can you tell a cat that likes rain?
A:  Because when it rains it purrs!

Q:  Why do bees hum?
A:  Because they don't know the words!

Q:  Who settled in the West before anyone else?
A:  The Sun!

Q:  What is a distant relative?
A:  Someone who is not living with you!

Q:  What is the biggest ant?
A:  An ELEPHant!

Q:  What is smaller than an ant's mouth?
A:  An ant's dinner!

Q:  How can you spell too much with just two letters?
A:  XS!

Q:  What is the hottest part of a man's face?
A:  His sideburns!

Q:  What fish has the lowest voice?
A:  A bass!

Q:  When was beef at its highest?
A:  When the cow jumped over the moon!

Q:  What person is always yelling?
A:  The I Scream Man!

Q:  What kind of theif has to be really strong?
A:  A shoplifter!

Q:  What kind of house weighs the least?
A:  A Lighthouse!

Q:  What is the hardest thing about learning to roller skate?
A:  The ground!

Q:  What coat has the most sleeves?
A:  A coat of arms!

Q:  What fruit has been known since man invented the calendar?
A:  Dates!

Q:  What is purple and 5,000 miles long?
A:  The Grape Wall of China!

Q:  Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue?
A:  Because they can't dress themselves!

Q:  Where can you always find health, wealth, and happiness?
A:  In the dictionary!

Q:  Why is the dictionary dangerous?
A:  Because it has Dynamite and Arsenic in it!

Q:  A man who worked in a butcher shop was 6 feet tall, had red hair,
    and wore size 11 shoes.  What did he weigh?
A:  Meat!

Q:  How does a coffee pot feel when it is hot?
A:  Perky!

Q:  What did the two vampires do from midnight to 12:10?
A:  They took a coffin break!

Q:  What do people in England call little black cats?
A:  Kittens!

Q:  Why did the man put his money in the refrigerator?
A:  To make some cold cash!

Q:  How do you make a Venetian blind?
A:  Poke a finger in its eye!

Q:  What is a stupid flower?
A:  A Blooming Idiot!

Q:  Why do lions eat raw meat?
A:  Because they don't know how to cook!

Q:  Why do lions eat raw meat?
A:  Because they can't light their Coleman stove!

Q:  Why do lions eat raw meat?
A:  Because they have to much trouble fitting it on the shishkebab!

Q:  Why do lions eat raw meat?
A:  Because the stove is broken!

Q:  What can you do with old bowling balls?
A:  Give them to elephants to shoot marbles!

Q:  Dogs have fleas.  What do Sheep have?
A:  Fleece!

Q:  Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A:  No, they had an apple!

Q:  What do you call a Volkswagon filled with cookies?
A:  Farfignewton!

Q:  What is a bulldozer?
A:  Someone who sleeps while a polititian is making a speech!

Q:  Where do trees keep their money?
A:  In branch banks!

Q:  If cheese comes on top of hamburger, what comes after cheese?
A:  Mice!

Q:  If cheese comes on top of hamburger, what comes after cheese?
A:  The cheese police!

Q:  Where do fish keep their money?
A:  In river banks!

Q:  Where do Eskimos keep their money?
A:  In snowbanks!

Q:  Where do hogs keep their money?
A:  In piggy banks!

Q:  Where do vampires keep their money?
A:  In blood banks!

Q:  Where do mummies swim?
A:  In the Dead Sea!

Q:  What is the best way to eat spaghetti?
A:  Well, first open your mouth....

Q:  What happened when Abel died?
A:  He became Unable!

Q:  What did the little light bulb say to its mom?
A:  I wuv you watts and watts!

Q:  Why do wallets make so much noise?
A:  Because money talks!

Q:  What happens to a refrigerator when you pull the plug?
A:  It loses its cool!

Q:  How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?
A:  A phew!

Q:  What does an invisible baby drink?
A:  Evaporated milk!

Q:  What runs around all day and then lies under the bed with
    its tongue hanging out?
A:  Your shoe!

Q:  What did King Kong say when he saw the Statue of Liberty?
A:  "Hi, mom!"

Q:  What lottery did the broom win?
A:  The sweepstakes!

Q:  Why does a chicken lay an egg?
A:  Because if she dropped it, it would break!

Q:  Why do you always start to walk with the right foot first?
A:  Because when you move one foot, the other is always left behind!

Q:  When do you swallow your words?
A:  When you eat alphabet soup!

Q:  What is the difference between a greedy person and an electric
    toaster?
A:  One takes the most and the other makes the toast!

Q:  Is it better to write on a full or an empty stomach?
A:  Neither.  You'll find that paper works best!

Q:  What kind of bird is always around when there is anything to eat
    or drink?
A:  A swallow?

Q:  Why are identical twins like a broken alarm clock?
A:  Because they are dead ringers!

Q:  Why don't scarecrows have any fun?
A:  Because they are stuffed shirts!

Q:  How do you make a cigarette lighter?
A:  Take out the tobacco!

Q:  How do you make notes of stone?
A:  Rearrange the letters!

Q:  What kind of umbrella did Louis XII carry in the rain?
A:  A wet one!

Q:  Why does the stork stand on one leg only?
A:  If he lifted it, he would fall down!

Q:  What is the difference between a banana and a bell?
A:  You can only peal a banana once!

Q:  What invention allows you to see through walls?
A:  A window!

Q:  Why can it be said that whales talk a lot?
A:  Because they're always spouting off!

Q:  What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't?
A:  It can look round!

Q:  When is a man not a man?
A:  When he turns into an alley!

Dimag Ko Shot Poor Jokes

Ek aadmi bank se bahar aake ek auto mein chada....autowala usko
us k ghar le gaya aur 100 rs liya. actually, it wouldn't have
costed more than 10 rs. Agle din, subah jab woh aadmi jagaa, he
was not able to see anything.kuch bhi nahin dikh raha tha But then,
raat hote hi, uski aankh theekh ho gayi and he was able to see everything
clearly.
WHY?
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Kyonki autowaale ne us aadmi ko ULLOO bana diya tha!!!



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----------------------------------------



Ek Gadha ped par chadha to oopar baithe haathi ne poochha:



Haathi: Tu kyun chadha ?



Gadha: Apple khaane



Haathi: Lekin yeh to Mango tree hai !!
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Gadha: Maloom hai, main apple saath laaya hoon!!!

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Champu and Pampu are 2 elephant friends. Champu is in love with

Champi, > > the elephant beauty queen. Champu proposes to Champi and

she
rejects him for some other rich elephant across the river. Champu
is
very sad,

so Pampu consoles Champu and asks him to play see- saw at the
garden.

Suddenly the see- saw breaks... and they burst to a
song................... guess which one............................

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See- Saw ho ya dil ho.... aakhirrrrrr...toot jaata hai....toot
jaata hai...toot jaata hai....!!!!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------

The Maratha Regiment was fighting hard on the border against
the enemies....They had to cross the border to capture the enemy
base....but no one was able to cross the border and go across.
fearing death .
Just then Hawaldar Pawan Kumar Jhonke ...got up and crossed the
border.....and nothing happened to him ..why??
Kyon ki
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Panchi Nadiya PAWAN K JHONKE... Koi Sarhad na Inhe roke...(from Refugee)


================================================================================
========================================

A man is speeding in his Ferrari on the highway.......suddenly
a hare hops up from nowhere, onto the road. unable to dodge it he
runs right o v er it............overcome by concern he stops his car to
inspect the hare..........the hare is dead. being an animal lover ,our
Ferrari driver tries to bring back the hare to life........he
frantically searches the dicky of his car and finds a spray- can
there.......he
sprays the dead animal with it...suddenly the hare springs back to
life........it runs along the road....looks back and waves at the
man....then again runs along some distance ,looks back and waves at
him.....and then
again runs further,looks back and waves...
the man looks at the can and reads these words...
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'HAIR SPRAY. BRINGS LIFE TO DEAD HAIR.INCREASES WAVINESS.'



------------------------------------------------------------------------
--- -------------------------- ------------------

A friend gives a barrel full of FEVICOL to his friend on his birthday.
What does this friend who receive the gift sing ???
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Dushman na kare dost ne ye kaam kiya hai
Umra bhar ka gham (gum) hame inaam diya hai........

Killer PJs are back (Please weak hearted people stay away)

Killer PJs are back (Please weak hearted people stay away)

Using ur brain is strictly prohibited.

Mehbooba ke pyaar mein mar gaya peter,
Mehbooba ke pyaar mein mar gaya peter,
Hero Honda Splendor 80km/Litre :p

IPL ke matches dekh ke logon ko maza aaraha hain,
IPL ke matches dekh ke logon ko maza aaraha hain,
12 saal se CID ka Daya ek hi Qualis Chala raha hain :p

Hollywood ka hero hain TOM CRUZ,
Hollywood ka hero hain TOM CRUZ,
Pudhil Station Santa cruz...Agla Station Santa cruz..Next Station Santacruz :D:D;)

Na jaan na pehchaan, tu mera mehmaan,
Na jaan na pehchaan, tu mera mehmaan
And the award goes to A.R.Rehman.

Manchester United mein khelta hain ROONEY
Manchester United mein khelta hain ROONEY
ACP Pradhuymann ne kaha " aakhir chahta kya hain khooni"

Kisiko na thi, mere pyaar ki khabar,
Kisiko na thi, mere pyaar ki khabar,
Diagram galat ho gaya, rubber de rubber

short stupid jokes

sardar ji to his friend: Yar bari mushkil main hoon mairi bivi mujh say aik kiss

ka 100 RS laiti hay .. friend: acha, yar to bara lucky hay doosron say to wo 50

0RS laiti hay.

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

A sardar was running with his pregnent wife,who was about to deliver, when anoth

er sardar asked him, O pernam singh, oye woti nu ais haal vitch le ke kithey puj

rya vain, pernam singh replied,assi Pizza hut chaley aan, sunya aa othey free d

elivery hondi aaa.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Munna Bhai > Abay Sirkit,

Jaa baajo walay ghar say Doctor ko bula ke laa,

meri tabiat kharab ho reli hai.

Sirkit > par Bhai aap to khud doctor ho.

Munna Bhai > Bolay to meri fees buhat zyada ha

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

taxi driver:madam me abtak 10 pregnant ladkiyo ko airport chhod chuka hoon. Girl:

But i am not pregnant.Driver;Abhi tak

airportkaha aaya hai????

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher Kisses Ko Sentence Main

Is Tarah Istamal Karo K Word Kiss Bhi

Na Aaye Aur Meaning Aajae

Student Aaj Subah Subah

Begam Se Buhat Munh Maari Hui

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Santa: Should i buy tickets to my children.

Conductor: Yes only if they are above 8.

Santa: Thank god i have only 6 children

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Santa Ricksey wale se :- Oy Railway Station Jayega.

Reckse wala:- hanji.

Santa:- To jao n yaha kyo khare ho.

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Son : Daddy, aap Egypt kab gaye?

Father : Kabhi nahi! Kyu?

Son : Aapko Mummy kahaam se mili?

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

bhikhArI- das paise kA savAl hai, bAbujI das paise kA . .

bAbujI- are CUM-se-CUM merI aukAt dekhakar mANg,

kyA das paise mANg rahA hai.

bhikhArI- bAbujI ek rupaye kA savAl hai.

bAbujI- abe apanI aukAt dekhakar mANg.

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Class me 2 Ladkiya,

1 gori

1 kali.

Kali Gori se:Tu konsi cream lagati he?

Gori:FAIR & LOVELY or tum?

Piche baita SANTA bola

Cherry Blosm.

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Santa Ne Najaiz Ghar Banaya Ksi Ne Mashwara Dia

Ghar K Bahar Aisi Chowking Kardo K Police Samjhe ki Porana Ghar Hai

Santa Ne Dewar Pe Likha

Anarkali Ko Riha Kro

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Chuha-mujse shadi krogi?

Sherni-apni aukat me reh.

Chuha-aukat ki baat mat kar,

confidence dekh.

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Santa Banta ko  Yaar lag raha hai menu bird flue ho gaya

Banta :-> Tenu keda pata

Santa :-> Yaar mera hai na kal se udne ko man kar raha hai.

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Santa throw his mobile in samundar & bola  Aa aa upar aa

His friend ask pani me se upar kaise aayega.

Santa bola  Kyon nahi aayega DOLPHIN jo hai.

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Doctor patient k peche bhag raha tha.

Ek admi ne pocha kya hua?

Doctor: 4 baar aisa he hua hai sala brain ka operation karwane aata hai aur baal

katwa k chala jata

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Air hostess: Aap 1 gante me 4bar toilet gaye! R U OK? Kya aap ko chein nahi hai?

SARDAR: Chain hai par khulti nahi hai!!!

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Man: Dr Mujhe normal potti nahi aati,Chawal khaya to chawal nikle,Roti khayi to

roti,normal k liye kya karu,

Dr: PoTTI KHA!!!!

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Doctor: Bachey ko paani

dene se pehle boil kar

lena chahiye

Sardar: Lekin Janab

Boil karne se bacha

marr toh nahi jaye ga!!

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Sardar Bunks office n goes to home.

He saw his wife with his boss.

He comes back running office and says,

baap re, boss ne dekh liya hota to maar daalta.

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Santa kissed his GF in park

Gf: Plz ye sab shaadi Ke Baad

Santa: Oh Soniye Dont worry Im married

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Santa Cycle Ki Break Hath Me Lekar Nach Raha Tha.

Man-Ye Kya Kar Rahe Ho?

Santa-Oye! BREAK DANCE

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

Tchr: Bachho batao billi

1 saath itne saare bacche kaise paida karti hai?

Kid: Mam agar aap road pe

billi ki tarha ghumo to aap ko pata chal jayega!!

 -------------------------------------------------------------------

wif: bus karo rat k 12 baje se kar rahe ho or subah ke 8 ho chuke hai.thake nahi

?

husbd: abhi to kuch nahi kiya ab to din rat karuga q k.mere 1000 msg free hai.

Stupid SMS Jokes, Funny Text Messages , SMS Jokes

wht do u call a really colourful tamilian???

Ans: Rangamannar rangrajan

----------------------------------------------------------------------

An elephant falls in luv wid n ent.but Ants parents r against their marrigeguess y

??

they gave a solid reason**Ladke k dat bahar hai**

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

ones sardarji saw a very soni kudi in the market & thought..

Ans : kash k ye meri maa hondi to main v inna sona honda..

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Full form of MATHS????

Ans : Mentally Affected Teacher Harassing Students

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Doctor to Patient : The check which u gave me has returned back.

Patient to Doctor:The head-ache for which you gave me medicine has also returned

back.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife ran away with my best friend.

To tell you the truth, I really miss him.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a wife who is sexy,

beautiful,intelligent,understanding,

caring, never jealous and a great cook?

ANSWER : A rumour!

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Husband asks,Do u know the meaning of WIFE.

It meansWithout Information Fighting Evrytime!

WIFE on hearing this says,

it could also mean-With Idiot For Ever.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Early to bed and early to rise makes ur girlfriend go out with other guys.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

A Train is bout2 crash. A frantic virgin strips off n says:

 Can anyone make me feel like a woman b4 I die?

So a man takes off his clothes n say,Iron these!

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Mother to Teenage Daughter : I think its time that we should talk about SEX.

Daughter : Yes Mom, What do You want to know ?.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Patient : I always see spots before my eyes.

Doctor : Didnt the new glasses help?

Patient : Sure, Now i see the spots much clearer.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Husband wife ki godh mein leta hua thaa

Wife: Kaisa lag raha hai ji.

Husband: Aise jaise bhagwaan Vishnu Shesh naag ki godh mein lete hon!

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, You know, I was a fool when I marrie

d you.

She replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love & didnt notice.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Father: Tumhe kaisi biwi chahiye?

Son: Mujhe chand jai si biwi chahiye, Jo raat ko aaye aur subha chali jaye!

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------

Man:what is million years to u?

God:only a second.

Man:what is billion of Dollar.to u?

God:only a Coin.

Man:ok give me a Coin.

God:wait a second.

Santa banta hindi jokes

Ladkiyon ke college me strike thi,

Ladke bhi unke saath the

Ladkiyon ne naara lagaya:

HUMARI MAANGE

Pichhe se awaaz aayi:

SINDUR SE BHARO

 _________________________________________

Teacher : Santa and Banta!why you reached school late today?

Santa : Madam, I lost a one rupee coin and I was searching for it.

Teacher : Banta, what about you?

Banta : Madam. .., I was not able to move .because I was hiding that coin under m

y feet.

  _________________________________________

Teacher : Santa! Make a sentence using Neither-Nor.

Santa : When girls wear tight fitting dresses, NEiTHER are they

comfortable, NOR are we!

  _________________________________________

Teacher : Santa ye batao tense kitne tarah ke hote hai?

Santa : Teen maidam.

Teacher : Teeno ke ek-ek example batao.

Santa : Madam, meine kal aapki beti ko dekha tha. Aaj mein ussey pyar karta hu a

ur kal mein ussey bhaga kar le jaunga.

  _________________________________________

Santa ek black aur ek white shocks pehenkar school aata hai.

Madam : Ghar jao aur moje badalkar aao.

Santa : Koi fayda nahi, waha bhi ek black aur ek white moja hi rakha hai.

  _________________________________________

Ek baar Santa ka Gadha lapata ho jata hai

Wo mandir me jakar bhagwan ki murti k samne der tak prarthana karta hai.

Yeh dekhkar Banta ussey puchta hai, Santa kya tum bhagwan se ye prarthana kar rah

e ho

ki tumhara gadha tumhe mil jaye?.

Santa : nahi yaar, mein to bhagwan ka sukriya ada kar raha tha ki unke

kripa se mein gadhe par sawar nahi tha, nahi to mein bhi lapata ho jata!

  _________________________________________

what is the cube of 13?

Its : SUROOR

wandaring how?

thats bcoz.

TERA * TERA * TERA = SUROOR

  _________________________________________

who was the 1st Indian woman fly abroad?

.sita with ravan

  _________________________________________

wht did the kangaroo say when she found her baby missing?

Ans: Aaila!!!!! kisne mera pocket maar liya

Sardarji Jokes, santa-banta jokes, Sardarji joke, Sardar Jokes

Sardar to doctor: Jab mein sota hu to mere sapne me monkeys football khelte hai.

Dr: Koi baat nahi ye medicine sone se pehle kha lena.

Sardar: Kal se khaonga, aaj to final hai!!!

 _____________________________________________

A sardar had a baby after 3 months of marriage. He suspected

and asked to his wife, Ye 3 month me hi baccha kaise hua?

Wife Replied : Tumhari shaadi ko kitne din hue?

Sardar : Three months

Wife : Aur meri shaadi ko?

Sardar : 3 months.

Wife : Aur bacha kitne month ke baad?

Sardar : 3 months.

Wife : Total kitne months hue?

Sardar : Oye 9 months & start dancing Balle Balle!!!!

 _____________________________________________

Ek sarder ne air-hostess se kaha, Aapki shakal meri biwi

se bahut milti hai.

Air-hostess ne ye sunte hi zordaar thappad uske muh pe mara

Sardar foran bola : Aadat bhi bahut milti hai

  _____________________________________________

Ek din Santa jungle se gujar raha tha

Chudail ne use roka aur kaha : Ho ho ho Ha ha haMein Chudail hu.

Sardar : Menu pata haikyunki teri ek behen meri biwi hai!

  _____________________________________________

Ek chor Sardar jee k mobile ko lekar bhag raha tha.

Sardar hasne laga

Banta : Wo tumhare mobile ko lekar bhag raha hai aur tum hans rahe ho.

Sardar : Bhagne do, charger to mere paas hai!

  _____________________________________________

Sardar ke radio me kuch problem ho gayi to aur kharab ho gaya

Usne radio khol kar dekha to ek mara hua chuha mila

Ye dekh kar sardar gussa ho gaya aur bola : Ye chalega kaise?

Sala singer hi mara pada hai

  _____________________________________________

what is the extreme limit of stupidity? Two Sardars sitting on a Rikshaw.,

and.,

fighting for a corner seat.

  _____________________________________________

A Sardar looking at sky asks another Sardar :Is that a sun or moon? Other Sardar

replies :Oye ! No ideaIm new to this city..

Top Rated Jokes most popular jokes timepass jokes

Yamraj asks 3 ladies -

Kabhi kiss kiya?

1st lady : Shadi se pehle.

Yamraj : Chal Nark me.

2nd Lady : Shaadi ke baad.

Yamraj : Chal Swarg me.

3rd Lady : Na pehle na baad me.

Yamraj : Chal kamre me!!!

 ___________________________________________

Doctor : Aab tabiyat kaisi hai?

Santa : Pehle se jyada kharab hai.

Doctor : Dawai khali thi?

Santa : Nahi dawai ki sishi to bhari hui thi.

Doctor : I mean dawai le li thi?

Santa : Ji aapne di to meine le li thi.

Doctor : Bewkoof dawai pee li thi?

Santa : Nahi dawai to laal thi.

Doctor : Abe gadhe dawai ko pee liya tha?

Santa : Nahi sir peelia to mujhe tha!!!

  ___________________________________________

Sardars Son - Papa jaldi-2 mera viya kra deo nahi ta main DAADI nal viya kra lavang

a.

Sardar:oye tu meri MAA nal viya krayenga.!

Son:-kyo tusi meri MAA nal ni krayea..

  ___________________________________________

Santa : Meri biwi mujhe chorr ke chali gayi.

Banta : Tu uska khyal nahi rakhta hoga.

Santa : Arre yaarSagi behen ki tarah rakhta tha usko!

 ___________________________________________ 

Santa : Preeto chal honeymoon te chaliye.

Preeto : Mein velli nahi, main halle kapde v dhone e, te pande vi manjne e, tusi

beeji nu le jao.

  ___________________________________________

English Teacher: One cute and young girl is walking on the road. Change this into

an punjabi exclamatory sentence.

Sardar student:- Oye,pataka !

  ___________________________________________

SLAM BOOK filled by Santa.

1.Strength: My wife, Jeeto.

2.Weakness: Bantas wife, Preeto.

3.Oppurtunity: When Banta is on tour.

4.Threat: When I am on tour!!!

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Santa : Yaar aaj mein bus ke peeche peecha daudkar three rupees bacha liye.

Banta : Kya yaar, tum to bahut murkh ho, agar taxi ke peeche bhagte to 100 rupee

s bachta!

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Air hostess: Aap 1 hours me 4 baar toilet gaye! R U OK? Kya aap ko chein nahi ha

i?

Santa: Chain hai par khulti nahi hai!!!

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Wife: Please bike itni taze na chalao mujhey bahut dar lag raha hai.

Sardar: Agar tumhe bhi daar lag raha hai to meri tarah ankhein band karlo!!!

Rajni Jokes , rajnikant jokes

Que:> when does a calculator gives wrong answer?
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Ans:> when RAJNIKANTH uses it !!!!!!!!!!!!!
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This morning I desired to know Rajnikant's age. This is what happened to me: (DONT' TRY THIS!)

I started counting back from this year - 2012. I counted 2011, 2010... 1950... 1640... passed the age of Roman empire... then babylonian... then the age of dinosaurs... the birth of our solar system... even passed the big bang... and still my count didn't stop until I arrived to 2012 from the other side. ≡:-O ~ Jonathan John


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People update status..
Via
Blackberry,
I-phone,
Ipad,
Windows phone,
etc..
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Rajnikant updates
via
Calculator ...;-):-P:-P


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Once Rajni wanted a Passport size photo of himself..
He went to a studio nd took one..
The phtogrpher nearly died after seeing the NEGATIVE..
The NEGATIVE came in COLOUR..


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.CID's daya went in coma by seeing this....
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Rajnikant broke the door jst by knocking
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Ek Baar Ek Judge ne Rajnikanth Ko Crime Karte Hue Dekh Liya
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To Kya?
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Tabse Kanoon Andha Ho Gaya!!
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Rajnikant's Fb Status -
Those Who Will Not Like This Status
Will Not Be Able To Use Facebook Anymore.
Notification - Mark Zuckerberg And Million Others Like This

Quotes said by a wise man , wise man quotes

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your
stupidity.
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I was born intelligent - education ruined me.
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A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say..........
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If it's true that we are here to help others,
then, what exactly are the others here for?
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Since light travels faster than sound, people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
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How come "abbreviated" is such a long word ?
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Money is not everything.
There's Mastercard & Visa.
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One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
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Save water. 
Take bath with your neighbour's daughter.
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Love the neighbor.
But don't get caught.
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Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
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Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
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The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.
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Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
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Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.
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Love is photogenic
It needs darkness to develop
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Children in backseats cause accidents
Accidents in backseats cause children
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"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep
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There should be a better way to start a day than
waking up every morning
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"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk !
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"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours !
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God made relatives.
Thank God we can choose our friends.
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When two's company, three's the result !
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A dress is like a barbed fence
It protects the premises without restricting the view
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The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
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Love doesn't have to have a happy ending, 'coz love
doesn't have to end at all.

Silly SMS jokes , funny sms jokes part 2

Newton in romantic mood-
"Love can neither be created,
Nor be destroyed. Only it can b
transfered from 1 girlfrnd to another girlfrnd,
with some loss of money."

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"change cannot be given to you everytime."
"You only Must Bring d Change..."
Great lines said by...

Bus Conductor...
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UNIVERSAL TRUTH:
If a boy opens the door of his car for his girlfriend. .
Then. .
Either the 'girlfrnd' is new or the 'car'. . !!
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Ek Budha Ek ladki se Takraya....
Budha: Sorry...
Ladki: Andha hai kya.....Dikhta nah!!
Jaise hi aage badhi, Ek handsome ladka us ladki se takra gaya...
Ladka: Sorry...
Ladki: It's okay!!
Budha ladki se bolta hai "MERI SORRY KI SPELLING GALAT THI KYA??"
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Log kehte hai ki 40,000/- ka royal paint lagaye to ghar rangeen dikhta he.
Are pagal 100/-ki ROYAL STAG piyo, sara shehar rangeen dikhega..!

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A good discussion is like a MINI SKIRT.
Short enough to pertain interest and
long enough to cover the subject.
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When There Is a Long Gap Between Engagement & Marriage,
Who Is Most Benefited ?
?
Boy
No
?
Girl
No
?
It's The
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.
.
Mobile Company!
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Jis chehre ko dekh kar haste the hum, aaj usine "Rula diya" khud ne to phone kiya nahi,
humne kiya to
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caller tune,"Tuje Bhula Diya"
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1 Kanjus blade se haat chir raha tha..
uski biwi boli:
kya kar rahe ho!?!
kanjus bola:
Dettol gir gaya tha,
socha q barbad karu,
haat chir k lagalu. !!!!!!!
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Rab kare aap ko sab miley
Himmat
Izzat
Rupaiya
Bungalow
Style
Smile
Personality
Popularity
Car
Pyar
.
.
Ab bhi button daba rahe ho
LAALCHI.
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