Father's Pride
Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.
The first guy says: “I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics, Business Administration, and was promoted, began to climb the corporate ladder, becoming the General Manager, and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.”
The second guy says: “Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”
The third guy says: “Well, well, well congratulations! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some very nice and expensive thing to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq. ft. mansion especially for his friend.”
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to rest room returned and asked: “What's going on, what are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?”
The fourth man replied: “My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”
The three friends said: “What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.”
The fourth man replied: “No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. In addition, he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq. ft. mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends?”
Who's Phone is This?
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Engineer and manager
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Monastery Joke
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.
"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."
They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words.
"I quit," he says.
"That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
Not So Dumb Blond
Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the guy turned to the beautiful blonde and made his move by saying, “Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don't know,” said the player. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” said the blonde. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
“Oh brother,” said the guy. “I have no idea.”
“Well, then,” said the blond, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?”
The Perfect Man and Woman
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
.
.
.
.
Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the guy turned to the beautiful blonde and made his move by saying, “Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don't know,” said the player. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” said the blonde. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
“Oh brother,” said the guy. “I have no idea.”
“Well, then,” said the blond, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?”
The Perfect Man and Woman
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along
delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Who was the survivor?
.
.
.
.
Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
AND MY FAVOURITE -
Two Naughty Boys
A couple had two naughty little boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would have had something to do with it.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"!!!!!
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